Anger is a tool that, when used effectively, can motivate us to solve problems and confront threats in a sensible manner.

Some children are brought up to feel comfortable with their anger. When they feel angry, they have a parent or other adult who helps them experience this emotion, become familiar with it, and contain their responses to it. With the guiding hand of a stable adult, they learn to trust in their anger, to feel secure when anger occurs, and to direct it nondestructively and productively. They accept anger as an emotion that can be used in a positive way. They experience anger fully - but they are able to moderate their responses, a skill they will be able to use throughout their lives.

Unfortunately, many of us, as we grew up, lacked helpful guidance in learning to deal with our anger - which is widely seen as a negative emotion that should be suppressed. A common myth suggests that healthy, happy people do not get angry. Nothing could be further from the truth. How often have we been told never to show our anger? How many people have been made to feel shame for having anger, only then to turn their anger inward and chastise themselves for feeling this normal emotion? If we don't recognize or experience anger, we cannot learn ways to deal with it in a healthy way. If we turn it inward on ourselves, we will have difficulty using it to deal effectively with problems in the real world. Luckily, even if we learned unproductive ways of handling anger in childhood, we can learn useful methods for dealing with this emotion in adulthood.

  Directing Anger Toward Others  

Those who were told in childhood to avoid anger may never come to know what their anger is all about. They fear the emergence of angry feelings. When their anger is triggered, they may find themselves suddenly out of control. For those who are unfamiliar with anger, the likelihood of catapulting into rage becomes a real possibility. When things are at their most extreme, people can get hurt, damaging words can be spoken, and property can be destroyed. When people rage, they often want to overwhelm the other person who made them angry - but they fail to understand that the consequences of raging will generally backfire on them. They lose credibility and respect in the long run, and there may even be legal consequences.

Anger directed toward others can express itself in various forms of behavior, such as -

• Verbally abusing, berating, and lecturing other people
• Holding grudges
• Manipulating others to get what you want
• Using sarcasm to show your superiority
• Harboring vengeful thoughts
• Refusing to see your part in a problem and placing the blame on another person or situation • Using the silent treatment
• Using unfair tactics on others and catching them off guard (passive aggression)
• Displacing anger onto those who are weaker, but not the real cause of the anger

The way we handle anger in adulthood has much to do with the strategies we learned in our earlier years. Some people feel that venting their anger will dissipate it, but research argues against this myth. Venting anger unproductively usually just increases the probability of getting angrier.

Directing Anger Inward

Many people feel ashamed for having anger. If our self-esteem has been damaged, we are ripe candidates for blaming ourselves when we are angry. Women may be particularly susceptible because of cultural expectations to be nice. We may learn to direct our anger toward ourselves rather than attributing it to a perceived threat out in the world. We may berate ourselves and engage in self-destructive behavior as a consequence. Anger directed toward ourselves can manifest itself in -

• Physically harming ourselves
• Blaming ourselves for problems, even when we are not really the cause of the problem
• Refusing to feel any emotions, numbing out
• Running away from problems and never addressing them
• Abusing drugs, alcohol, food, or participating in other forms of addiction
• Engaging in dangerous behavior, such as reckless driving or thrill-seeking behavior
• Feeling uncomfortable spending time alone
• Holding on to anger and allowing it to store up

The most important thing one can do to manage anger is to get to know this emotion - and to know it well. Ask yourself the following questions. What triggers my anger? Are there any themes in these triggers (for example, feeling condemned, feeling controlled by others, feeling rejected)? What happens in my body when I'm angry? What are my thoughts when I feel angry? What actions do I feel compelled to take? When you know your anger, you can have a more controlled response to it. This puts you into the position of having more choices in how you handle angry situations. A trained therapist can help you understand the themes associated with your anger.

Our thinking influences the feelings we have about certain situations. Examine the automatic hostile thoughts you have about these situations. For example, when a friend ignores you, do you automatically begin to have negative thoughts about this person? These negative thoughts can ignite a process of angry feelings. But you can ward off these feelings if you change the negative thoughts to more positive ones. Perhaps your friend was having a bad day or didn't know that you were trying to make contact. Take a more compassionate, forgiving, and trusting approach toward the world. This can give us a sense of empowerment - where we are in control, not our anger. Even if we are insulted or rejected, isn't it better to see what the problem is, take a flexible attitude toward the situation, and solve the problem rationally? When we examine the thoughts that lead to angry feelings, we can prevent ourselves from sliding into an angry response.

Anger, used productively, is a problem-solving tool. Once we have learned to contain our anger and change our negative anger-provoking thoughts, we can then use an assertive position to deal with problems. Assertion is logical and non-emotional. There is no uncontrolled anger in a truly assertive response. Rather than having an angry blowout with your friend, simply tell her that you felt frustrated and rejected when she failed to return your phone call. Then you will hear her side of it, and communication about the problem can begin. Assertion is a way of defining your boundaries. You can let others know who you are and what you expect (although this does not mean that they will necessarily do what you want). In using assertive techniques, you solve the problem rather than letting it fester into destructive anger.

It is better to be connected than right. Striving to be right has caused many wars - and few wars have produced real winners. Most people involved in a dispute believe that they are right and the other is wrong - and both sides can usually muster up the evidence to support their case. Rather than falling into anger and taking an adversarial position when there is conflict, try using good communication skills to solve the problem. Learn how to listen to the other party. Speak in terms of "I-statements" rather than blaming others and putting them on the defensive. Don't bombard the other person with a litany of past grievances - just address the issue at hand. Good communication skills can be learned in a therapeutic setting.

Finally, there are a number of other methods for dealing constructively with anger. For example, if you have anxiety associated with anger, get some physical exercise to dissipate the anxiety. Take some calming deep breaths. Or write out your angry feelings (write in a journal, or compose a letter or email - but do not send it!). If an angry situation is getting out of control, leave the situation - give yourself some time to cool off. And above all, don't take action when you are angry (repeat to yourself privately in an angry situation "Don't take action. Don't take action."). Tell yourself, "I'm a loving and good person who has integrity - and I'm going to stay that way."