Many people come to therapy with a familiar frustration:
“I keep ending up in the same situation, even though I want something different.”
You might notice the same relationship conflicts repeating, find yourself stuck in self-sabotaging behaviors or struggle with persistent negative self-talk. No matter how hard you try, the pattern seems to come back.
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone and you’re not broken.
The good news is that patterns are not permanent. With the right therapeutic support, they can be understood and changed. In my counseling practice, I help clients break long-standing patterns using a blend of attachment-focused therapy and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Together, these approaches address both where patterns come from and how to shift and change them in everyday life.
What Do We Mean by “Patterns”?
Patterns are repeated ways of thinking, feeling, and relating that developed for a reason. Often, they formed early in life to help you cope, stay safe or maintain connection with others.
Over time, however, these once-helpful strategies may stop serving you and begin to create challenges in your life and relationships.
Some common patterns include:
- Difficulty expressing needs or asking for support
- Feeling “too much” or “not enough” in relationships
- Repeatedly choosing emotionally unavailable partners
- Avoiding conflict at the expense of your own needs
- Expecting rejection or criticism before it happens
- Using people-pleasing, withdrawal or control to manage anxiety
These patterns often operate automatically and outside of conscious awareness, which is why willpower alone isn’t enough to change them.
An Attachment-Focused Lens: Understanding Why the Pattern Exists
Attachment-focused therapy helps us understand how early relationships shaped your expectations of yourself and others. From these experiences, we develop internal beliefs such as:
- “I’m lovable when I perform.”
- “People leave if I get too close.”
- “My needs are too much.”
These beliefs influence how we show up in adult relationships—romantic, family, work and even in therapy.
Rather than judging or pathologizing these patterns, attachment-focused therapy asks:
- What did this strategy protect you from?
- How did it help you survive or stay connected?
- What does this part of you still fear might happen?
This approach builds compassion and emotional safety, which are essential for healing. When you feel understood rather than judged, your nervous system can begin to relax—making real change possible.
CBT Therapy: Changing the Pattern in Real Time
While attachment-focused therapy helps us understand the emotional roots of patterns, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) helps change how those patterns show up day to day.
CBT focuses on the connection between:
- Thoughts – What am I telling myself?
- Feelings – What emotions come up?
- Behaviors – What do I do next?
For example:
“They didn’t text back. I must have said something wrong.”
→ Anxiety and shame
→ Withdrawal or reassurance-seeking
CBT helps clients:
- Identify automatic thoughts
- Evaluate whether those thoughts are accurate or helpful
- Practice alternative ways of thinking
- Experiment with new, healthier behaviors
Over time, these small shifts interrupt old cycles and help open up and create new neural pathways.
Why Combining Attachment-Focused Therapy and CBT Is So Effective
Used together, these approaches address both emotional depth and practical skill-building.
Attachment-focused therapy helps answer:
- Why do I feel this way?
- Where did this pattern begin?
- What part of me is being activated?
CBT helps answer:
- What can I do differently when this shows up?
- How can I respond instead of react?
- What tools help me regulate and reframe my thoughts?
For example, someone who fears abandonment might:
- Use attachment work to understand where that fear originated and soothe the younger, protective part of themselves
- Use CBT strategies to challenge catastrophic thinking and practice secure behaviors, such as expressing needs directly
This integration honors your emotional experience while empowering you with tools for lasting change.
What Breaking a Pattern Actually Looks Like
Breaking patterns doesn’t happen overnight—and it doesn’t mean you’ll never get triggered again. More often, progress looks like:
- Noticing a trigger sooner than before
- Pausing instead of reacting automatically
- Responding with more choice and self-compassion
- Recovering more quickly when old patterns show up
Progress isn’t perfection. It’s greater awareness, flexibility, and growth.
Moving Forward With Therapy
When working with clients, my therapeutic approach offers:
- A warm, non-judgmental space
- Curiosity instead of criticism
- Clear tools paired with emotional depth
- A collaborative approach—we work together to help you ehal and grow
Healing happens within the therapeutic relationship. Each session builds upon the next, and you don’t need to have everything figured out or say the “right” things. You don’t have to perform here. Just show up and be yourself. My job is to show up and be your guide.
We’ll take this journey at your pace—to support you to break old patterns and build a more secure, fulfilling way of relating to yourself and others.
Contact me Kim @ (858)204-2599 or send me an email to learn more about online counseling in California.
